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So the test of time is supposed to show you how to make it in life, love and happiness.  I guess we are all tested in different ways, different situations and overall different experiences.
This weekend was an awesome experience/test of whether or not the new person in my life and I could be together and alone and survive. We had his house to ourselves all weekend; we spent pretty much all our waking time together other than the 8 hours he had to work on Saturday. While he was at work I went out with my father and did some running around, went back to his house and prepared dinner.
To keep myself busy I did laundry, dishes and enjoyed the domestic side of life I guess you can say. He came home and enjoyed a nice cold beer and a great dinner.  We went and visited with one of his friends; I dropped him off at another friend’s house and drove his friend somewhere.  I went home and changed and headed back to this other “friends” house. 
The minute I walked into the yard I could feel the tension and knew I was not welcomed, I know my person wanted to leave but yet wouldn’t leave because he didn’t want to piss anyone off.  After about 30 mins I send him a text letting know that whether he was leaving with me or not I was leaving soon.  He said he was leaving with me and I was like ok let’s go.
15 mins later, after some rude comments by others we left.  His mood and attitude changed as soon as we got into the car, and I knew it was a good choice to push for him to leave.
We went to 7-11 to get smokes, and my cousin calls to see if we are going to stop by her place, my person decides he wants to go so away we head.  She had had some friends over for a Hawaiian night so they had all kinds of food that we got to sample, sat and visited (jhktykjmjloiujh  - “R”’s contribution to the blog) then decided to head home after about an hour.
We get to his house and have a nice playful time to finish off a great evening.  It was awesome seeing him in such a great mood, it made me feel like we were in our own little bubble, at least for the time being.
For the first time in a long time I feel like I am where I am suppose to be, with the person I am suppose to be with.  It feel so good being in his arms, it feels right when he kisses me, and the way he makes my body react shows me I am were fate wants me to be.
I know that we have some things we need to each figure out, to see if we can work past these things.  We both have a past that we need to work through, baggage that we need to know if we can handle, together. But right now, where we are in each other’s lives, it’s a good place to be.  I don’t think I could be much happier then I am right now.
For the first time in years I cannot stop smiling, I haven’t laughed this hard, this much in so long and it feels so good.
I like to think he feels the same way, he seems to, he is always smiling to, he’s always looking for a touch or a stolen kiss ... but there are still times I see him thinking and he has a look on his face and I am scared of where his thoughts are.
Or maybe I just over think everything and need to just sit back and let life take me where I am destined to go ... but I can say one thing ... I really “LIKE” this guy.

Is it love or ???


They say when you find love you should move slowly, that if you go to quickly you may only be falling in love with the “high” of finding someone new, a new experience and new feeling.

Maybe that is what I am going through right now, but whatever it is I am loving it.

I met a friend of my roommates, when I first met him I thought he was a nice guy, tall good looking but attached, plus everyone knew I had a thing for my roommate.

We hung out, had fun and that was that.

Well last week (actually 11 days ago to be exact) I hung out with him again – Party at my house on the Friday night– this time, he was single – me I still had a thing for my roommate, but I had been rejected one to many times and I was tired of it and ready to move on.

By Saturday evening, he and I had made out four+ times; by the time I dropped him off at home we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. Whether it was hand holding, kissing, caressing, everything – we couldn’t get enough. Even though we knew it was wrong, for both of us. He was fresh out of a relationship and raw, and I was suffering from countless rejections.

Sunday we text all day, and by the evening I wanted, no wait let’s be honest here … I needed to see him. So I asked him to go for a drive with me, we wound up at a pond where we talked and watched the geese. I learnt things about him that made me think twice about what I was doing, but really you only live once and it just felt right being there with him.

Once again, when I dropped him off at home we couldn’t keep our hands off each other … though this time I initiated it.

Monday came and I wanted to see him again.

I called him and asked him to a movie, at first he was hesitant but in the end we ended up going and we both had an amazing time.

Conversation just flows so well with us. We are different yet we are so much the same, we can’t get enough of each other but can handle being apart – for a little while.

I think he craves my touch as much as I crave his – though I can’t say for sure. The way he looks at me sets me on fire, the way he will caress me while we just sit there, not saying a word looking at each other sends goose bumps down my body.

I feel myself falling I love with this guy, even though I know it’s too soon, and way to fast! But yet deep down it feels so good, it feels so right. I don’t give my heart away easily, I have been hurt so many times before in the past, that I am scare to tell him how I am feeling, I am scared to show him that I am ready to give him everything that is me.

I know in the past he has cheated, and I think that is the one thing that scares me the most. I have been cheated on before, more than once. And I know how badly it cut me, how badly it hurt me, how close it came to killing me.

So how do I handle this one little problem, do I try and trust him? Yet spend every minute we are apart wondering who his is chatting with, who he is messaging when I don’t hear from him all day, who he is with, who he is touching. Do I drive myself mad with these thoughts?

Do I tell him that we should commit to each other, but leave it in an open relationship? Let him be able to go out and do others while I go out and do others? Do we get into a swingers relationship? Where he can have me and another in one night?

Can I handle that?

Can he?

Would he?

I asked him the other day, how he would feel if he knew I was chatting with someone who had potential of being more than a friend and he said he doesn’t think he would like it, yet I know he is chatting with others and I can’t say anything to him about it …

I want more from him, I know this 100%! I want a relationship from him; I want to be able to introduce him to my friends and my family as my boyfriend, as my love. I want to be able to take him to family functions, work functions and just be out with him and be able to proudly claim him as mine and him claim me as his.

I want to close all my accounts on dating sites, I want him to do the same because we don’t need them anymore, and we found each other.

And even though I know this would never happen, I want to be able to change both our Facebook statuses to “In a relationship”.

I know I want a lot, and I know it’s way too soon … but it just feels so right for me, but I guess I need to find out how right it feels for him.

Well these are my thoughts for the moment, thanks for stopping by and reading my heart felt declaration of almost love … LOL!  If you have any thoughts or suggestions I would be more then happy to recieve them!

Have a great day everyone.

Long time since I've posted here ...


I haven't been doing so good at posting, I apologize for that.

To date, I have lost just over 50lbs in a little over a year.

I lost 40lbs with Weight Watchers alone, just food control.

I lost the next 10 lbs in a month by going to the gym and still following the Weight Watchers program, I just don't go to the meetings anymore.

But, for the last month I have not been going to the gym like I should be, and since Easter I have gained 5lbs back.

So I have to get my butt in gear and get back to the gym, I want to start seeing changes again.

I have gone from a size 26 pants to inbetween a 18 and 20 pants, but would like to be down to a 10 by fall.

So I have a lot of work ahead of me!

Wish me luck and I will do my best to keep a more active journal!

5'
HW: 278.4
CW: 235.3
GW: 150-160

Huge mess ...


So this has nothing to do with my weight loss journey, but I got myself into a bit of a mess the other day and I have to put it down on paper, print ... whatever you want to call it.

I went to my best friends house for a pot luck, got home around 12:30 am and had just sat down to watch some porn (yes, I watch it alone sometimes).  My phone goes off and it is a friend of mine A, she wants me to come by her neighbors and have a drink, I say no I am to tired and she boo's me.  After a few more txt turning her down my phone rings and it's her, she bugs me put different ppl on the phone and final I concede and say I will come by.

One of the txt's was from this guy D. who I have known forever but never really looked at other then to say hi and chit chat, but he told A. to tell me to get my booty over there, I told A. to tell D. he's never paid mind to my booty before so he can leave it alone now.

But anyway, I head over and sit and chit chat with everyone, my plan is to visit for a hour or so and then head home ... ya that plan went to crap!

For some reason I was the center of attention for D., he made a point of giving me a hug and touching me and complimenting me (he noticed the almost 40lbs I have lost), and when he discovered my long finger nails he made a point of asking me to scratch him.

So long story short, everyone left but me and D. (our other friend fell asleep in a chair near us), and we ended up fooling around.  Some oral, a lot of talk and then we went up stairs and had unprotected sex.

Now, he is single but he has a FWB who is obsessed with him but they are not committed, though she is a friend of mine.  I know I should feel guilty but I don't, he is the one who pursued me and hey he is sexy.

I enjoyed paying attention to him, and the way he reacted you could tell he was not used to that kind of attention, I was scratching, rubbing and just over all touching him.  At one point he was laying on his stomach and I ran my tongue along his ear lube and blew softly into his ear, he got goose bumps and said he loved how I knew how to touch him, that he is never spoiled like this and he is loving it.

There is a lot that happened that night, to much to write in here, but at one point he said to me "please don't fall in love with me", I started to laugh and told him he had no worries with that ... he is not the type I could fall for, I was just enjoying the sexiness of this.  But by the end of the night, I think it could have been the other way around and he could have fallen for me ... but alas it was not meant to be.

I was suppose to go to his house on Tuesday and I called but he never answered, Thursday I tried one more time and never heard anything from him so I knew the decision to play was a bad one ... and I chalked it up to a fun night.

Then this Saturday after a wedding, I wound up at the same party as him again.  But this time his FWB was there and she made a point of hovering over him.  At the start of the night he kept his distance from me but by the end of the night he was paying a lot more attention to me ... as was his FWB.  But I kept my distance from him, I learnt my lesson I was not going there again.

Now this circle of friends are really hard core drinkers, and well very heavy drug users.  I rarely drink and never do drugs, but I do enjoy hanging around with them.  I let loose this night and drank a lot and D. tried to get me to do blow.  I am very curious about it but I won't do it ... I know myself well enough to know I will enjoy it way to much and I would become addicted, which I refuse to do.  I quit smoking, rarely drink and am now watching my foods, I don't need another bad habit.

It hurt to see him with her, but I could see that they were a good fit, she liked to party just as much as he did and she was into the drugs, so I guess in the end it was the right to realize that it was a mistake and to just move on. 

Maybe next time I hang out with them I will bring a date, so that he knows I am not hung up on him ... that I am hurt that he used me like that but that I can move on and really it was just sex ... though there may be one small complication.

It happened on the weekend I was fertile.

Weight loss to date ...


So I have not been very mindful of my posting here ... sorry life love and what not has gotten in the way!

I am down 37.2 lbs so far.

I reached my 10% goal and 25lbs in one shot, so then we set a new 10% goal of my base weight and I am more then half way there ...

Things have slowed down though, I will lose a pound then stay the same for a week.  Once I gained a pound, then stayed the same the next week, but now I have lost that and am working at watching what I am doing.

I am sucking at tracking my food points, and I know that is where my down fall is ... I have to get back into tracking, otherwise why am I doing this?

I also have to start working out, I am only doing the food watching and have not really been doing any exercising.  I know that is a major issue but to date I have 0 energy, but I think a part of that is because of one of the meds I was on.  I am now no longer on that med (stopped this weekend), so hopefully my energy levels will return with some degree of normalcy.

So that is my update so far ... I am still plugging along.

Long time ...


So it has been a very long time since I have posted ... not sure why, just have been in a mood these days.

My weight loss journey thus far, I am down 28.6 lbs.  I made my 10% goal, and 25 pounds all in one meeting, I got a keychain and a charm ... it was a monumental day for me.

I did gain two pounds this week, but I am going to work harder to loss those and more ... I really have to start working out though, and I just don't have the energy for that yet.  I can't seem to get off my ass to do it, any suggestions???

Writer's Block: Home Sweet Home


I live in the North West end of Winnipeg Manitoba Canada.  I enjoy my city, it is small enough to travel from one side to the other in less then a hour, but it does lack things to do.  I am not a bar goer so which is a busy industry in Winnipeg, but that leaves few things for me and my friends to do. 

There is a lot of sight seeing and tourist things to do, and the lakes here are beautiful.  Please feel free to come down anytime, it would be worth the trip, we are not called "Friendly Manitoba" for nothing!

I seriously don't understand it.


So I spent all day Saturday cleaning my house, I did everything .. washed floors, walls, bathroom, vaccumed ... everything!  I sweat, I bled, hell I even almost cried, but I got it done and my place looked good.

Then my brother comes home ...

He makes himself something to eat ... at 1 a.m. Monday morning, leaves his dishes in the sink.  I wake up and go to work Monday morning (he is off) and vow that if I come home and his dishes are still in the sink he will be living out of his car.  Well I come home, walk in and see ... his dishes are done, and placed on top of the other clean dishes in the dish rack.  Then, I noticed, he didn't even fill the sink with water and wash the dishes ... he uses the cloth, dish soap and running water! 

REALLY?

Your that F@#kin' lazy, you can't put the clean dishes away, fill the sink, rinse the dishes and place them in the rack?

I seriously don't understand it.

I am not the most energtic person in the world, but I will put dishes away before I wash new ones.

Anyways, that is my rant for the day ... thanks for reading, listening and well putting up with my bitchiness!

*waves*

Seriously .. it has been to long.


I really need to work at posting more often, it just seems time gets away from me.

So what is new?

Well my second to last meeting had me down a pound, making my loss so far to 16 pounds in 6 weeks, but this last meeting had me at the same weight, with no change.  So I need to up my game, and maybe start working out.  My friend S asked if I had lost my omphf and I haven't, I had just slacked off on journaling and measuring.  I have gotten back on that and hopefully this week works better for me.

I did my house work this weekend (a small spring cleaning of sorts), and let me tell you ... my thighs are killing me!  I guess because I haven't done it in a while, and I haven't been working out ... my muscles are pissed at me!  It hurts to walk, it hurts to bend over ... it hurts!  LOL But I guess it is a good hurt.

I think I am going to start Zumba on my Kinect tonight ... that should help *rolls eyes*

Well, I am off for now ... see you all soon.

Been away but not forgotten ...


Hello land of journals and inner thoughts!

I have been away for a while, but I have not forgotten about you, it was a little hectic getting ready to go to Phoenix.  And let me tell you, what a journey!  I shopped and shopped and shopped and never really got tired.  My friend S was so happy and impressed with me, she told me that over and over again.  It made for a amazing time.

AND ... I got onto the plane, took the seat belt and ... CLICK it slid into place with out much problem, I was comfortable (as comfy as you can be on a plane) and happy that I was able to make that goal.

Speaking of goals, I haven't been on here in a while so I haven't givent my stats as of late ... in 5 weeks I have lost 15 pounds!  Here is the weekly break down:

Jan 25 ... 3.8 lbs down
Feb 1 ... 4.2 lbs down
Feb 8 ... 2 lbs down
Feb 22 ... 5lbs down

So even with going on holidays I am down in weight! I am feeling good and I think that is why I spent so much shopping.  I got clothes I can wear even as I lose weight.  But still make me feel good ... I am loving this.  You can imagine my surprise when I went to my weigh in yesterday and she told me that I was down 5 pounds ... I was shocked.

So I sat my brother down and told him I wanted him to move out, at first it was a fight, he didn't understand that I needed my time, my space and my own place.  But after a while he understood and we are ok, he is only worried that we are going to drift apart and not talk as much, but I reassured him that it's not going to change and that my door is always open to him ... so it seems to be ok.

Well I am off for now, I will try and keep this more consistant from now on forward ... it's good for me to express myself.

*kissz*